


If It's Hard Now, Just Wait

by ChiaraD



Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Other, Tough Guy Gets Emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27852478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiaraD/pseuds/ChiaraD
Summary: One-off AU of what could’ve been. Hours of fear lead to happier outcomes.
Relationships: Jason Hayes & Clay Spenser, Stella Baxter/Clay Spenser
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	If It's Hard Now, Just Wait

The flight home had been unbearably long, with Clay seething and blaming Jason. It wasn’t really Jason’s fault, but Clay needed someone to blame and Jason had known what was happening during the mission and didn’t tell him. Clay’s already gotten in Jason’s face and screamed, his voice echoing inside the C17 as the support staff finished loading and stowing the equipment. Jason had stood there silently and taken the abuse. Now was not the time to tell Clay to stand down or chastise him for his emotional response to an untenable situation. Instead, Jason had looked Clay directly in the eyes with compassion and kindness; of course, that had only made Clay angrier in the moment.

Once in the air, as other team members slept in their hammocks or whatever flat surface they found, Jason had pulled out paperwork to begin writing out the events of the mission. He wouldn’t include Clay’s small errors, because he knew the kid was distracted and the errors didn’t really do any harm. No one could blame Clay for not having his head fully in the mission, especially with such an easy target; he was consumed with longing for home. He’d waivered on coming in the first place, but had caved knowing it would be a short mission and there was little chance of his absence meaning much. She’d be okay, right? She could handle being without him for a few days, right? He’d be back in plenty of time, right? Jason had assuaged his worry as they loaded up to fly to the other side of the world, but now Clay is blaming him for what happened, when only time and fate can truly be blamed. Jason can’t protect his team from the cruel twists of fate that happen without rhyme or reason, but he can protect Clay from the brass’ meddling and ridiculous scrutiny.

Clay stood rooted to the ground from the moment Jason had walked away and stared at him even as the plane took off. He didn’t listen as the team tried to get him to sit down. He didn’t listen as they told him to stop pacing and relax. He didn’t listen as they told him she’ll be okay. His mind was stuck in the moment that their run towards safety had ended at the runway and the gaping mouth of the plane. He was stuck in the moment that Jason grabbed his kit and stopped him in his tracks as everyone else walked past. He was stuck in the moment that Jason told him his worst nightmare is happening: she’d been rushed to the hospital without him.

Ray had been the one to finally get through to Clay. An hour into the flight Ray had had enough of seeing Clay emotionally bleeding out and approached him. Without a word he grabbed Clay’s shirt and demanded his attention; he knows what Clay’s going through because he’s been there, too. An arm around Clay’s back finally convinces him to walk towards a seat and plop down, his face dropping into his hands as the emotions take over and he hides the redness in his eyes as he fights to not cry. It’ll be okay; it has to be okay. She has to be alright.

Clay’s anger was only a mask for his fear and hopelessness. He’d threatened to destroy Jason if they arrived too late, to quit the team if him not being there meant disaster, or to leave the military entirely if his worst nightmare came true. He thought he meant it, but no one else does. It’s his fear talking. They’ve been trained to not fear capture and interrogations, to not fear life-and-death situations, and to believe that they can overcome damn near everything; they’re never prepared for the moment Clay’s currently living through. Three hours into the flight and he’d been requested, or demanded, to take a sleeping pill to rack out rather than ruminate. It might have put him to sleep, but it didn’t relax his mind or his body; so by the time the plane was landing and they woke him up he was more sore and exhausted from the fitful sleep than he was from the mission.

The flight had been miserable and unbearable, but it was finally over. Wheels down, tires lightly screeching on the runway, and reverse thrust endured meant Clay’s a few minutes closer to getting to where he should’ve been all along. Clay rushed ahead of everyone into the cages to dump his gear, but Trent, Brock, and Sonny had ran in after him and blocked him before he could leave. Forcibly removing his keys, they demanded he at least change his clothes then Sonny will drive him. A car accident might get him to the hospital, but not in a way conducive to his needs. Clay roared over the demand, but gave in once reminded he no longer had a choice: the faster he complied the faster he’d get to her side.

It’s after normal visiting hours when Sonny pulls his truck up to the emergency room to let Clay out. They can direct him where to go from there. The team will wait to hear word, knowing if the outcome is bad they’ll be rushing to the hospital soon to support their brother, while hoping that instead they can stop by tomorrow to visit.

Clay’s ushered up several floors until they’re standing outside of locked double doors. A nurse comes out, checks his driver’s license, gives him a bracelet, then brings him inside. “Is she okay,” he anxiously asks.

“It was touch-and-go for a little while, but everything’s okay now.” The nurse smiles at him as he walks beside her down the hallway and up to a closed door. She steps between them for a moment, blocking him from entering. “Sir, I suggest you take a moment to breathe. She needs calm right now.”

At first Clay’s ready to push the nurse aside, but his frustration eases as he looks down at her calming half-smile. She’s only trying to help. “Yeah, okay,” he says quietly as he closes his eyes and begins his sniper breathing. In for four seconds, hold for four, out for four, hold for four, repeat. A pause of thirty seconds is enough to drop his heart rate and calm his mind enough to focus on this moment, rather than the endless hours that have passed since Jason told him his world might be crumbling apart while he wasn’t there. “I’m ready,” he says as he looks at the nurse.

She opens the door with a smile and a soft, “Hello. You have a visitor.”

Clay barely registers the softened lights, gentle music, and muted yellow walls. He’s focused only on the people in the room, the woman in the bed, the mess of blankets in her arms. He slowly steps forward, the redness returning to his eyes as his emotions overtake him again. The soft click of the door closing behind him doesn’t even exist, even though it means his family is alone for the moment.

Stella looks up at him, an anxious smile slowly crossing her lips as she cuddles a little bundle of human wrapped in a knitted pink blanket. “She’s so tiny, but she’s healthy. Almost a month early, but she’s nursing well so she should be okay to go home in a few days.”

He can’t help the tears that are welling up in his eyes. Jason and Ray had said that a baby born a month premature wasn’t anything to worry about, but he had more than worried; he’d nearly caved to his fear. His mind had gone to so many awful places in the lifetime it took to fly home. Is he really here now, or still asleep on the plane? Clay leans down and gently kisses Stella’s head. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” he whispers. He looks down into the tiny face of his baby girl as she sleeps quietly in her mother’s arms.

“Daddy’s here. I think he’d like to hold you,” Stella whispers as she cautiously holds their daughter up for him.

Clay gently takes his daughter into his arms and holds her against his chest. She moves slightly as she yawns then settles against him. A tear breaks loose from his eye and drips onto her blanket. “She looks so perfect. How is she even real?” He lifts her to place the lightest kiss on her forehead, pausing to breathe in her brand new baby smell.

“Trust me, Clay, she’s real. I’ve got the stretched out and sore body to prove it.” Stella laughs lightly. “It was all worth it, though. Even the anxiety and fear as my water broke while I was making lunch.” She reaches up and places her hand on Clay’s arm. “By the way, you’re going to have to clean up the kitchen floor.”

The stifled giggle Clay lets out relieves the last of the tension in his muscles. His girls, his family, are okay. “I’ll make sure it’s taken care of before you get home.” He pauses and looks at Stella, his smile wavering slightly. “Speaking of, when will you be released? Are you okay?”

“Clay, I’m fine. She’s fine. Her heart rate had dropped because the cord had presented first and she was breech, but they took really good care of us.” She cautiously slides over a little and taps the bed. “Sit.” He gingerly sits at the edge of the hospital bed as Stella tucks the pink blanket around a tiny hand that’s gotten free.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” he says as his words get caught in his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it back in time like I promised.”

Stella reaches up and places her hand on his cheek. “We’re okay. Unexpected things happen. You’re here now, we’re all safe and happy, and that’s what matters.” She winces slightly as she sits up and closes the gap to give him a kiss. Their daughter chooses that moment to fuss a little and Stella chuckles. “You couldn’t give me just a few seconds to kiss your daddy and welcome him home, huh? You just need all daddy’s attention on you?”

Clay looks down at his tiny baby daughter snuggled into his arms as her eyes slowly open and she looks up at him for the first time. As her blue eyes look up into his her fussing calms. “Hello, daughter. I know we’ve just met, but I love you with all of my heart and always will. I’ll protect you with everything I am, even when you think you’re old enough to no longer need me.” The little bow of her mouth moves slightly as he talks and he realizes he could sit there looking at her forever without ever wanting to let go. “You’re just as beautiful as your mommy, thankfully,” he says as he smiles at Stella again. “You did good, mommy.” He leans forward and kisses his wife again. “I’ll move heaven and earth to keep you both happy and safe,” he whispers against her lips. His daughter breaks into a light cry and he sits back up to look down at her. “Also, you’re never dating because you’re too perfect and no man will ever be good enough to even deserve looking at you.”

“While you get to work on building a bunker to lock her away in, I think she’s hungry.” Stella gently takes her from Clay. “Please text everyone and let them know everything’s good.”

Clay sniffles lightly as he tries to get his emotions back in check. “Okay.” He takes a quick photo of mom and daughter and types up a text as Stella puts their daughter to her breast.

_It’s a girl! Mom and daughter are doing well, but will be in the hospital for another day or two. Will let you know when uncles, aunts, and cousins can visit._

Clay watches his daughter fall back asleep once she’s full. He realizes there’s one more he needs to send. He opens a text to Jason.

_I’m sorry for the way I acted, brother. I took my anger at myself and fear for what might have happened out on you. I’m going to need some help figuring out how to be a dad and I can think of no one better to ask for advice because you’ve been a better father figure to me than my own father ever was. First question: How can I survive when my heart is now forever held in her tiny hands?_

A few minutes later Clay’s phone beeps with a reply from Jason.

_If you think it’s hard now just wait until she goes to school, has her first date, and you leave her at college. Your heart will never be entirely yours again. Good luck, DAD._

Clay chuckles and looks back at Stella. “Are you ready to share her name with Jason?” Stella nods her head yes and he types one more text to Jason.

_When you retire I’m going to hire you to be her personal bodyguard. When I can’t be here it’ll be up to Uncle Jason to keep Lana safe._

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been struggling to write my longer story as I’ve been feeling really awful and dealing with a lot of big stresses. I’d really wanted to have the story much further along or even had the first few chapters posted by the start of season 4, but it didn’t happen. I’m only on chapter 7 with only a partial edit of the first few chapters. I’ve read a little spoiler and it turns out an upcoming episode, which will be in real-time, has to do with a big topic I’m using in my story and I’d wanted to show that I’d come up with the idea in September before I knew about that episode, but it looks like it’ll probably air before I can get significantly far in the story. Bummer. Just so I can prove it: Dustoff. (Will make more sense later.)
> 
> Yet I wanted to at least do a little something in honor of the season premiere (technically the end of season 3) tonight. AJ (aka Sonny) was on a podcast recently and it sounds like they’re only set up to do 14 episodes this season instead of 22, because of the monetary constraints of the pandemic on filming (they shut down for 2 weeks recently due to a crew person getting a – potentially false – positive test) on top of a show that’s really expensive to produce without a pandemic. Since I’ve been having a rough go of it lately, sleeping 12-15 hours some days and barely sleeping others because I have to get some things done even though I feel horrible (my doctor and I don’t think it’s Covid, but I’m having bleeding issues plus an infection and a host of other symptoms – all on top of my normal horrible symptoms from 20+ diagnoses), and because I’m still angry at another neurosurgeon saying I’m not worth his effort to read 14 freaking pages to learn about EDS and cranio-cervical instability, I decided to do another one-off short that’ll make me feel good. Took 3 hours to write while the season premiere is recording for me to watch as soon as I post this, and I think it was worth it. I will keep working on my other story though!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this. Sorry if you don’t like the Clay/Stella pairing, but I thought it would be sweet to do an AU with what could’ve been/might still be a future for them. Plus I just really wanted a way to get a baby girl into Clay’s arms. 😊


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